With each death I felt like the web that binds me to the earth lost a strand. Plink...plink...plink.
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
Marriage
I returned from vacation to find my husband mostly moved out. While on vacation three distant relatives passed away, one of them my age with three kids. One relative got married so there was some joy; that and playing with my nephew.
With each death I felt like the web that binds me to the earth lost a strand. Plink...plink...plink.
With each death I felt like the web that binds me to the earth lost a strand. Plink...plink...plink.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
another big decision
So on top of the divorce I've been putting off filing for(if I had filed when I had originally decided I would be single by now-that's irritating to think about. Anyway back on subject)
There is a job in nevada that would put me three hours from family and in a less complex position:instead of being responsible for 4 subject areas I'd have 2 at most. The down side is it would be a demotion from a 12 to an 11 (I have my time in grade as a 12 so I could compete in the future for a 13)
NV doesn't have income tax and the sales tax is less than where I currently live so I might actually end up breaking even.
I'm upside down on two houses both of them in weak markets, the move or divorce would give me leverage with the morgage company to short sell one of them...the other one I am stuck with I think.
At the same time I started down a hr road with an employee and have several projects at my current location that I would like to see to a close, one of them being a 3yr grant that I was going to apply for
There is a job in nevada that would put me three hours from family and in a less complex position:instead of being responsible for 4 subject areas I'd have 2 at most. The down side is it would be a demotion from a 12 to an 11 (I have my time in grade as a 12 so I could compete in the future for a 13)
NV doesn't have income tax and the sales tax is less than where I currently live so I might actually end up breaking even.
I'm upside down on two houses both of them in weak markets, the move or divorce would give me leverage with the morgage company to short sell one of them...the other one I am stuck with I think.
At the same time I started down a hr road with an employee and have several projects at my current location that I would like to see to a close, one of them being a 3yr grant that I was going to apply for
Monday, July 5, 2010
Getting out
For the forth of July weekend I tagged along on some of my interns adventures. I went with several and hiked Feather Falls, a 9 mile hike. Today, a day later, I am hobbling around like I used to do with a much longer hike. Apparently I need to get out more.
For the evening I hiked onto Bald Rock with one of my hiking partners the others having gone back to Chico. We were able to watch fireworks from communities as far north as Willows, Ca and as far West as Davis and as far East as Sacramento. In all there were about 10 displays that we were able to see from our vantage including the ones we were originally trying to view over Lake Oroville.
The majority of the hiking group knocked the hike out in about 4 hours I was closer to the 6 hr mark for the 9 miles. One of the hikers hung back with me and kept me company, granted a silent company but company all the same. It kept my mind occupied coming up with questions to ask him about himself.
I think I bonked on my hike about 2 miles from the end. I know I ran out of water about a mile from the end. I went through 3 liters of water on the trip and drank another liter once back to the car. Purhaps it was warmer than I was giving it credit for being or maybe I needed more nutrition. I had a pb sandwich and almonds along for food. I wasn't feeling hungry, just thirsty. I had to stop and take a break and let my body cool down and was able to go again. I had sent my hiking companion on ahead to catch up with the other part of the group, so I went through the mind game of I'll make it to that stump or that rise and then take a break and then picking a new goal and going again.
maybe it was the company, maybe it was being outside and active, maybe it was both...either way I felt well the whole time.
For the evening I hiked onto Bald Rock with one of my hiking partners the others having gone back to Chico. We were able to watch fireworks from communities as far north as Willows, Ca and as far West as Davis and as far East as Sacramento. In all there were about 10 displays that we were able to see from our vantage including the ones we were originally trying to view over Lake Oroville.
The majority of the hiking group knocked the hike out in about 4 hours I was closer to the 6 hr mark for the 9 miles. One of the hikers hung back with me and kept me company, granted a silent company but company all the same. It kept my mind occupied coming up with questions to ask him about himself.
I think I bonked on my hike about 2 miles from the end. I know I ran out of water about a mile from the end. I went through 3 liters of water on the trip and drank another liter once back to the car. Purhaps it was warmer than I was giving it credit for being or maybe I needed more nutrition. I had a pb sandwich and almonds along for food. I wasn't feeling hungry, just thirsty. I had to stop and take a break and let my body cool down and was able to go again. I had sent my hiking companion on ahead to catch up with the other part of the group, so I went through the mind game of I'll make it to that stump or that rise and then take a break and then picking a new goal and going again.
maybe it was the company, maybe it was being outside and active, maybe it was both...either way I felt well the whole time.
Life moves on
I have been unmedicated since late January. The side effects from withdrawal climaxed in a weekend of wicked agrivation and short temperedness. Nothing locking myself in my room and promising myself "I'll go to the doctor on Monday and get more meds if this doesn't pass" couldn't get me through.
From time to time anxiety rears its head. It seems to be the root of all ills. It comes in waves and breaks in waves. I can notice that I have it and typically turn it around. Granted sometimes this involves going to work on the weekend and working on the project that appears to be the root of the flare up.
I have decided to not pursue my marriage. On the other side of the coin I have avoided filing the paperwork to become free again from this weight. The spouse has moved into a separate bedroom and started paying rent. We'll see how long I can tolerate this set up. Or afford it for that matter.
From time to time anxiety rears its head. It seems to be the root of all ills. It comes in waves and breaks in waves. I can notice that I have it and typically turn it around. Granted sometimes this involves going to work on the weekend and working on the project that appears to be the root of the flare up.
I have decided to not pursue my marriage. On the other side of the coin I have avoided filing the paperwork to become free again from this weight. The spouse has moved into a separate bedroom and started paying rent. We'll see how long I can tolerate this set up. Or afford it for that matter.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
quality of life
this was written as a draft on my phone and I am just now getting around to posting it--it is post dated to as near as I can remember the original writing date.
What does it say about my life that I have to be heavily medicated to tolerate it? What does it say about my marriage that I have to be heavily medicated to tolerate my husband?
I've spent the better part of the last thirteen years medicated to a point of tolerability,so that my attitude can be tolerated by others and so I can tolerate myself and others.
I experimented with being unmedicated for the last month. The side effects of my current drug subsided but the with drawl symptoms and the resurgent depression and anxiety have nearly crippled me. Brain zaps, which are best described as nerves shorting off of one another have been sending shocks down the right side of my face and sometimes into my hand.
Friday I spent in a ball of self loathing, no simple pleasures could get me going. I managed to get up, shower and dress by 2:30 not really worth going to work at that point.
Work, now there's a ball of wax. The law says I have to report when we discharge sediment through our actions, so I did and now I am in hot water, the managers want to have a say about whether we report or not, my supervisor claims that by briefing them I am then not liable, that doesn't mean I can sleep at night.
What does it say about my life that I have to be heavily medicated to tolerate it? What does it say about my marriage that I have to be heavily medicated to tolerate my husband?
I've spent the better part of the last thirteen years medicated to a point of tolerability,so that my attitude can be tolerated by others and so I can tolerate myself and others.
I experimented with being unmedicated for the last month. The side effects of my current drug subsided but the with drawl symptoms and the resurgent depression and anxiety have nearly crippled me. Brain zaps, which are best described as nerves shorting off of one another have been sending shocks down the right side of my face and sometimes into my hand.
Friday I spent in a ball of self loathing, no simple pleasures could get me going. I managed to get up, shower and dress by 2:30 not really worth going to work at that point.
Work, now there's a ball of wax. The law says I have to report when we discharge sediment through our actions, so I did and now I am in hot water, the managers want to have a say about whether we report or not, my supervisor claims that by briefing them I am then not liable, that doesn't mean I can sleep at night.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
pro con continued
this is the second in a series
- pro: designated driver
- con: he is a jam it if you can't find it kind of stick shift driver which when he is driving my car drives me ape-shit, as does his lugging it; it just drives me batty when he does it in his car. I have a solid 184K on that clutch thank you very much.
- pro: he seems easy to please ie he apparently stole a kiss on my check tonight at dinner and it was the highlight of his night (he made a point of telling me as much).
- con:what kiss? I was there but I don't remember it.
Geodon
Yesterday was the first day with out the drug.
nausea set in just after dinner (typical time for taking the drug) and by mid-night I was experiencing chasing sparks on the nerves in my right side face and arm.
nausea set in just after dinner (typical time for taking the drug) and by mid-night I was experiencing chasing sparks on the nerves in my right side face and arm.
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